Are you married yet? Or have you been a bad, little Mormon?
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Quote of the morning: “Honey, you can’t get upset when people bump into you when you insist on walking around in that giant headdress.”
38
Oh, San Francisco! You’re so worldly! Just look at all of your culture loving city-dwellers with their big, exotic vegetables poking out of their reusable shopping bags. I can smell the granola now. Is that New Age Music I’m hearing? And you discovered it before it became popular? For the love of Croutons.
37
Gray matter and a set of pendulous, brass spheres go a long way.
36
Auto-correct always cooks up some deliciously smartarded suggestions.
35
My friend’s toilet is broken. I suggested getting a litter box. Does anyone else have any bright ideas when he feels the post-coffee, unstoppable rebel force?
34
Indoor soccer shoes? Check. Tiny caffeinated beverage? Check. Zealously waxed faux hawk? Double-check. Folks, we got ourselves a “European”.
33
Getting older is great; rather than experimenting with my vices under peer pressure, I now genuinely enjoy them.
32
By definition, fathers get a bum rap. I mean they’re literally “mother-fuckers”.