177

The Recipe for Success

Ingredients:

  • Failure
  • Heartache
  • Criticism
  • Self-loathing
  • Alienation
  • Loneliness
  • Blood
  • Sweat
  • Tears

Instructions:

You must suck and suck and suck and suck, until you don’t suck anymore.

(Adapted from friend Joe Kyle Jr.)

176

It’s no surprise that people are reportedly unhappy in marriage. After a day that’s been sold to us as the “happiest day of one’s life,” where can you really go from there?

175

Saying that unfettered competition is the best thing for society’s progress is like saying bulimia is the best way to lose weight. It might work superficially, but it’s unhealthy and tends to rot from the inside over time.

173

Although people generally take care of their cars, the same advice doesn’t seem to apply to the body. They don’t drive 110 mph, slam on the brakes, and do e-brake turns. That sort of “endurance training” ruins the vehicle. But for a person, you know what that series of grueling maneuvers is called? A triathlon.

170

People have always told me to follow my heart, but my head gives better advice. If I followed my heart, I’d be a fat stoner living on the beach in a house full of puppies.