Heartrending tale of abject poverty: a measly $1.05 billion in profit, only double what they made last year. How will Goldman Sachs employees feed their families? I’d like to announce my new non-profit, the Banking Assistance and Relief Fund (BARF). Your contribution will help us combat destitution on Wall Street and banish impunity wherever these violations occur. Thank you.

Welcome, fans and hecklers!