Some Omphaloskepticism (Mmmmmm, that’s a big word… oh, yeah…you like that? All of those sexy syllables slipping and sliding around your mind) From My Unsinkable 2004 Dell

-I once dodged an obnoxious pick-up at a bar with the following: “Listen, you seem like a wonderful guy, but frankly I have a lot of masculine qualities and I think your attraction to me only evinces your latent homosexuality.” Keep in mind this was Orange County, and he was one among many well-polished curb lemmings fresh from the office. The type that walks to the beat of the USC theme song in his mind as he’s strolling between wine bars and trolling for thinspired plastic surgery addicts. After what I considered to be a clever rejoinder, he looked at me blankly, and remarked that I sounded “super smart”. Ugh.

-In a recent conversation with my supervisor:

“Jocelyn, we’ve noticed that you’re sometimes in your own little world.”

“Why, thank you Ms. Davis.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

-Let’s settle this once and for all: bristly walrus mustaches are not (and never will be) attractive. They’re a conversation piece like a peg leg or a vintage calculator watch, at best. I’m counting the days until they go the way of MC Hammer pants and female shoulder pads. Have some dignity, guys. Don’t get me started on handlebars or mutton chops either, for the love of Croutons.

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