Little Green Man’s Guide to Human Civilization


Before establishing contact with the Humans, it is imperative that we gather as much information as possible about their social relations, leaders, recreational activities, and other characteristics we deem necessary to prepare ourselves for a range of outcomes as we strive to develop interplanetary relations and forge a peaceful exchange of knowledge, culture, and cookie recipes.

One of the most puzzling phenomena to date has been the methods by which Humans attract one another for mating purposes. The following observations are derived from a representative sample of 5 metropolises over the course of 1 Terra hour:

1A. Enhancements and reductions

The Smaller Sex (“Female”) sometimes sustains surgery to expand the size of its natural feeding vesicles (“breasts”). While the results may draw moderate attention from members of the Larger Sex (“Male”), I’m unable to determine a useful medical function for the cumbersome, dual sacks of saline solution. Some practicable purposes include:

  • To improve buoyancy in large bodies of water
  • To guarantee entry into exclusive nighttime gatherings (“clubs”)
  • To prop up objects such as gossip magazines while in a position of repose
  • To safeguard the Human from rolling off the bed in its sleep
  • To create a counterweight to titanic buttocks for balance purposes
  • To produce a convenient, fleshy slot for the safekeeping of cell phones and other valuables

Motivations notwithstanding, it is assumed that the inflation of these pendulous globules puts undue strain on the back and may impede the performance of daily activities such as driving, typing, and carrying one’s yoga mat. While further observation is needed to determine the utility of surgical procedures, other common, non-essential modifications were observed including changes to the nose (reduction), lips (enhancement), abdomen (reduction), and buttocks (results may vary).

1B. Hair

The Male displays ornamental tresses around the cheeks, upper lip, chin, neck, and chest. By contrast, the Female typically avoids growth in these areas and others, and may even trim or rip the hair from the upper lip, eyebrow, underarm, leg, and genital areas using blistering wax in established centers of torture (“beauty salons”). While redness, swelling, and discomfort are common, these practices are nearly universal for those of a breeding age. For the Male, the facial hair styles vary from wild and unkempt to a clean, naked visage.  Without proper grooming, it’s been observed that the eating process can be impeded. It is unclear which style of presentation the Female prefers, although excessive hair along the upper lip (“mustache”) tends to incite either social admiration or tacit ridicule. Generally, the Female spends a significant amount of time maintaining its head-hair and displays a dizzying array of styles and colors. It is presumed that these decorative configurations attract the Male and vary in shape from a tidy, spherical gathering atop the head (“bun”) to an untamed arrangement resembling a toxic gas cloud (“frizz”).

1C. Teeth exposure

In the presence of other Humans, it is common to draw back the lips and reveal the teeth (“smile”). The appearance ranges from a glowing assembly of polished moonrocks to a rotting cacophony of sulfurous shards, the former being deemed considerably more attractive and associated with affluence. Teeth exposure is done with differing degrees of wrinkling around the eyes, and is often accompanied by short bursts of sound (“laughter”). The Female and the youth seem to engage in these practices more frequently, while the Male is more inclined to grunt, bellow, or scratch itself when engaged. It should be noted that the Male can be rewarded for eliciting teeth exposure in the Female with further contact, both social (“dates”) and physical (“sexy time”). Furthermore, the Female may extend its lips into a nursing position to increase their prominence and the subject’s purported sex appeal (“duckface”).

1D. Clothing

Humans generally cover parts of their bodies with clothing as it is deemed legally inappropriate to go without. While the amount of coverage has a -0.721 correlation with temperature, exceptions are noted. The Female in particular may opt for tight-fitting, cylindrical garments (“dresses”) exposing the extremities to the elements, and may rely on the extra clothing of the Male in times of need. Additionally, the Female frequently wears stilted footwear (“heels”) which hinders movement, but increases height considerably. I surmise that this is done to ward off predators, or perhaps to drum out unique mating calls on hard floors. The Female possesses the greatest abundance and variety of clothing, and is more likely than the Male to seek further acquisitions (“go shopping”). The Male, by contrast, sometimes wears decorative neck objects which require some assembly and range in shape from dangling, elongated diamonds (“ties”) to neater throat arrangements which resemble the silhouettes of distant satellites (“bowties”).

1E. Coupling

For short-term mating relations, the Female takes an array of variables into account such as conspicuous wealth, musical ability, or level of intoxication at time of first meeting. For long-term relations, the Female may create a list (mental or literal) of traits it holds to be relevant to finding a partner for life. Several conversations about said lists are observed and include words such as kind, perceptive, intelligent, intuitive, funny (i.e., ability to elicit teeth exposure), tall, strong, stylish, polite, independent, handsome, caring, clean, successful, sensitive, generous, etc. The length of these lists is inversely proportional to the age of the list-maker. I am unable to find evidence for similar lists on the part of the Male, who in considering both short- and long-term mating relations, appear to be relatively indiscriminate. As part of the initial stages of courtship, it is common for Humans to engage in a series of bodily contortions to the rhythm of music (“dancing”). The styles range from delicately refined avian movements (“ballet”) to sweaty, simulated acts of sexuality (‘freaking”). While the diversity of techniques is beyond the scope of this guide, a correlation is noted between a Human’s dancing ability and alcohol intake. Also, while it seems most common for the Male to pair with the Female, this is by no means the only arrangement. Either sex can pair with one of its own, although Humans from some areas frown upon this practice for unclear reasons. Other rarer mating phenomena of note include group gatherings (“orgies”) and interspecies relations (“beast-love”), particularly in agricultural regions.

ADDENDUM: While this is by no means a comprehensive analysis of attraction and mating in human civilization, it should suffice as a useful overview in preparation for establishing first contact. The more we understand in advance of our scheduled landing, the more likely we’ll be to enjoy a fruitful, mutually respectful relationship with the inhabitants of the Blue Planet, Home of the Best Cookies in the Galaxy.

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