Editor’s note: Everything in this article is 100% true, except for one thing: there is no evidence that FBI Director Ka$h Patel stated, “Believing in science is gay.”
Sometime between the beginning of the Obama presidency and the end of Harvey Weinstein’s career, American progress was on the rise.
Same-sex marriage finally became a reality for folks in love. Recreational cannabis was legalized across several states. Americans became more ethnically, sexually, and gender diverse. Federal lawmakers relied on scientific evidence to make important decisions about global warming and vaccine efficacy. Hundreds of sex pests were losing their jobs and facing legal consequences. And after a steep decline during the George W. Bush era, international confidence in US leadership had rebounded.
Progress wasn’t perfect, of course, but the arc of history was bending auspiciously—until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the way, a group of men (and a few women) began favoring superstition, conspiracy theories, and rumors over journalism and science. They began calling anything they disagreed with “fake news” and championing their own “alternative facts.” And rather than make a reasoned argument for GOP-proposed tax cuts for the rich, they sat…and scratched their balls.
Here are the rules of being an American Ball-Scratcher:
- Uphold a hierarchy of men above women, white above Black, straight above gay, Christian above non-Christian. Ball-Scratchers believe in outdated hierarchies to secure unearned power. Rather than seeking to protect the vulnerable, these folks punch down.
- Don’t believe in science, logic, and college degrees. Preferring gut feelings and faith to actual evidence, the “do-your-own-research” set holds kooky-ass beliefs about tanning their taints, Jewish space lasers, and get-rich-quick crypto schemes. They embraced “The Big Lie” that the 2020 election was stolen, leading to a deadly insurrection at the Capitol. There has been no evidence for fraud, only the sore-loser feelings of an aging dictator, who continues to waste resources on his “hunch.” The anti-vax movement is another prime example: the resurgence of polio, measles, and other deadly diseases is now a threat because crunchy influencers, MAGA contrarians, and other non-experts have outsized influence. FBI Director Ka$h Patel stated, “Believing in science is gay.” And at least two members of Trump’s cabinet think they’re impervious to germs: Secretary of War Pete Hegseth brags about never washing his hands, and Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. fears vaccines more than bacteria because he used to snort heroin off of toilet seats and occasionally swims in raw sewage.
- Define your politics by what will piss off your opponents. A central feature of Ball-Scratching is childish trolling. These pixie-dicks live to frustrate their perceived enemies, such as single women, non-white immigrants, and environmentalists. They take pleasure in the suffering of others—but demand that folks be fired for not honoring the late Charlie Kirk.
- Fret about the (white) birthrate decline. The Ball-Scratchers blame childfree cat ladies for the US’s shrinking population growth while violently deporting hundreds of thousands of tax-paying residents. If you offer the obvious solution (increasing immigration), they gripe about bringing in “someone else’s babies”—unless those babies happen to be white South Africans.
- Value loyalty over competence or intelligence. Trump—the King of the Ball-Scratchers—has packed his cabinet with folks who 1) lack experience, and 2) agree to do their jobs with his tiny dick in their mouths.
Most (but not all) Ball-Scratchers happen to be MAGA Republicans. It might not always be this way, as American political labels and ideologies are fluid.
The opposite of a Ball-Scratcher is someone who believes in progress. Progress, at its core, is about being equitably-minded—where hierarchies exist, they’re based on merit and skills rather than sex, race, age, or religion. MAGA’s “traditional family values” often oppress women, LGBTQ+ folks, non-Christians, and immigrants. Their Bearded Sky Daddy convinced them that trans people don’t exist and the US is a white Christian nation with the hugest guns. (Or something like that. I never did get around to reading their Bible.)
To quote Succession, “They are not serious people.” Nobody wants to clean up the mess that they have made of our government and reputation. Several of their leaders deserve to be in prison, especially Trump, whose corruption has netted his family $4 billion in the first year of his second term. And even the Ball-Scratchers must admit that rising gas prices, a new war in Iran, and child rape allegations against their Supreme Leader aren’t what they signed up for, right? When will they realize that they’re simping for billionaires?
As Antonio Gramsci said, “The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born: now is the time of monsters.” Tick tock, Ball-Scratchers. When the new world is born, accountability, integrity, and expertise will matter. MAGA diehards are lucky we’re more reasonable than they are. If we weren’t, we might force them into “liberal conversion” camps or shoot them in broad daylight, claiming that they are “domestic terrorists.”
That’s just not the way we do things.
I agree with most of what you say except for your conclusion. It isn’t the way we’ve done things, up to now. I remember I wrote a column once about being kind and calm, and a friend commented that he wasn’t going to grin his way through the current administration. I replied that when I was a hog farmer and it was time to butcher, I was as kind as possible. But throats still got slit.