Category: The Feminism Club

“This is a generation that is living increasingly without purpose or place, without meaning, without direction….It is the calamity of our age that so few men feel a sense of purpose anymore!”

Josh Hawley, Conservative Blowhard  

While I usually write about the pernicious effects of sexism and racism, it’s clear that American men are facing their own crisis—and we’re all suffering for it. 

Before I begin, please note that this does not detract from the real oppression of women, people of color, and the LGBTQ+ community. The scourges of the patriarchy, white supremacy, and homophobia still run rampant in this country. I’ve just usually overlooked the related difficulties modern men face.

I recently finished a book called Of Boys and Men by Richard V. Reeves, a senior fellow of the Brookings Institution and president of the American Institute for Boys and Men. He examined how men are falling behind academically, professionally, and socially in our country. 

The bottom line was this: women’s opportunities, expected roles, and accomplishments have expanded in the past few decades while many men have been left feeling redundant, rudderless, and lonely. In a world where women are assuming leadership not only in the traditional domestic sphere but also in higher education and breadwinning, many straight men are left wondering where these changes leave them.

Men still hold the vast majority of the world’s wealth and power—in 2020, there were more male CEOs in the S&P 500 named Michael or James than there were total female CEOs—but there are some foreboding signs for history’s dominant sex:

• Men in the U.S. are roughly four times as likely to commit suicide as women
• The life expectancy gap between men and women ballooned from 4.8 years in 2010 to 5.8 years in 2021—this has been attributed to higher rates of Covid and drug overdose fatalities
• Forty-six percent of women ages 25 to 34 hold bachelor’s degrees, while only 36 percent of men do
• Young men are more likely to live with their parents than young women
• Fifteen percent of men say they have “no close friends”

Let’s step into a young man’s shoes: it can’t be easy to feel that you’re blamed for all of society’s ills. Sure, straight white men have made the world go tits up, burying us in wars, colonialism, predatory capitalism, religious fundamentalism, mass shootings, and other absolute fuckwittage. 

But we aren’t getting anywhere by finger-wagging at one generalized group—the backlash to our anti-sexist (and anti-racist) backlash is only deepening the divides. I believe white men are misled in referring to “reverse racism” or “reverse sexism,” but we should examine the kernels of injustice in our treatment of historical oppressors.

Censuring white men and boys for everything pushes many of them into extremism—the success of men like pseudo-academic lobster-lover Jordan Peterson and arrogant douche-nozzle Andrew Tate isn’t a coincidence. They appeal to young men who have been shoved to the fringes by our collective blame, not to mention the enchanting algorithms of profit-hungry tech companies that ignite our baser instincts and grievances.

If I’m casting aspersions at men and blaming everything on them, what about the loving, nurturing blokes just trying to get by? Or the boys who are still learning what it means to be man? 

Many lost men reflexively blame women or people of color for losing their assumed status as leaders and providers. They feel demonized for “being men,” and although many wouldn’t admit it, they’re lonely as fuck.

Reeves admonishes the Left and the Right for their misguided assessments of this situation: the Left hasn’t been sensitive to the unique challenges men and boys face amidst so much rapid social change, and the Right simply wants to return to traditional patriarchy. I agree with Reeves on this: men and women are different, and our institutions and culture need to learn to support the unique needs of folks no matter who they are. We can recognize differences without pathologizing them.

Think about how Americans frame masculinity and femininity. Even in my equity-minded gut, I’d find it absurd to seek out role models for “femininity.” Being feminine isn’t fundamental to my identity—in fact, the term “femininity” has overtones of submissiveness, sexualization, and self-objectification. It feels like an agenda pushed by conservatives who want to maintain traditional gender roles. To be feminine in this country is to be gawked at, belittled, ignored, gaslighted, or disparaged. Just ask a “feminine” man.

But there’s another side of femininity that should be more widely respected and emulated: vulnerability, empathy, collaboration, compassion, and nurturing are fundamental to humanity and ideals to which I aspire. 

That said, compared to women’s mixed relationship with feminine ideals, masculinity still feels central to the way most cis-gendered American men perceive themselves. Further, men are more inclined to listen to other men (rather than women) and to care about their opinions. Denying that men feel this way isn’t helpful. 

One of the problems is that women have fought hard for their novel opportunities in school and work, while men haven’t been as eager to assume a greater share of traditionally feminine responsibilities: childrearing, house chores, emotional self-work, or employment in growing HEAL occupations (healthcare, education, administration, literacy). 

Men might be reluctant to become teachers, nurses, home health aides, physician assistants, or vet techs due to the more “feminine nature” of caretaking, but they will miss out on work opportunities as a result. 

Men might be reluctant to be stay-at-home dads, but with evermore women becoming primary breadwinners, this is a missed opportunity to raise their own children. 

Men might be reluctant to share their emotional truths, cry, or go to therapy, but modern women want to date mature men who aren’t stuck in 20th-century ideals of stoic masculinity. 

Overall, men are the gatekeepers for their own growth and need to adapt to the changing society and economy. 

Women have created larger, more meaningful lives for themselves—and men can do this, too. Since masculinity still seems essential to the identities of so many straight men, it’s worth examining what it means to be a man in this country. For example, who do American men look up to? Who are their role models? 

The twisted binary that championed men over women for so long is collapsing under a long-needed correction, a rebalancing—and I believe that is why so many American men feel lost. It was up to women to finally excel at work and school, and it’s up to men to be accountable for their own evolution with the times.

Within the U.S. military and several conservative regions, there’s been a wave of sickening anti-trans legislation. Twenty-two states have passed laws or policies banning gender-affirming care among minors. This affects 35.1 percent of transgender youth in our country, who are already at a heightened risk of substance abuse, bullying, and suicide. Life is hard enough without this sanctimonious smackdown from American Christian supremacists.

But what exactly is “gender-affirming care?” Expanding on the WHO’s definition, the Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) states that it “encompasses a range of psychological, behavioral, and medical interventions designed to support and affirm an individual’s gender identity.” 

By that definition, gender-affirming care runs as rampant as fiery gonorrhea among my fellow cis-gendered Americans. I argue that while the term is typically reserved for the healthcare of transgender and non-binary folks, it can include any medically unnecessary procedure to appear more feminine or masculine.

Cis-gendered women, for example, regularly receive gender-affirming care in the form of breast augmentation, Kardashian ass implants, nose jobs, liposuction, vaginal reconstructive surgery after giving birth, and those lip and cheek fillers that give every LA woman the same damn face.

Botox, tooth veneers, face lifts, and other appearance enhancements run both ways among cis men and women, but if we accept that these are all designed to increase one’s attractiveness and youthfulness, these are borderline gender-affirming—particularly among women, whom the patriarchy still doesn’t allow to age.

And while cis-gendered men don’t get as many frivolous surgeries and procedures as women—again, because of patriarchy!—two types of manly pharmaceuticals are still quite popular in dude-bro society: steroids and Viagra.

Let’s recognize that many sad congressional Bible-thumpers take gender-affirming boner pills and still discriminate against the trans community. Being virile and having a rock-hard lightsaber is fundamental to American masculinity. Not only are these pills legal, but they are subsidized by you, me, and all American taxpayers. That’s right: the military spends $41.6 million annually on helping men avoid the hyper-gendered embarrassment of erectile dysfunction.

Look, it’s none of my business if Donald Trump snorts vitamin V to give Stormy Daniels a C- evening, that Mike Pence takes his little-blue communion to give Mother a missionary rogering, that Ted Cruz…ha, just kidding. We all know that no human woman—least of all his poor wife—sleeps with that bloviating fuck!

But why do these men insist on denying trans folks the power to shape their own bodies in the image of who they are? Virtually every prestigious medical professional group supports the self-determination of trans youth. The American Medical Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Nurses Association, the American Counseling Association, the American Society for Freedom from Outdated Social Constructs…ok, I made that last one up, but you get the picture.

Being against gender-affirming care is one of many hypocrisies within the GOP: the “patriots” who tried to overturn the 2020 election; the “pro-lifers” who support capital punishment; the “party of family values” who cut Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) and the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP); the “religious liberty” zealots who only recognize Christian doctrines.

So why do Republicans get their testes in a tangle when people don’t adhere to outmoded gender and sexual identities? Queer couples and drag queens don’t roll into evangelical churches and tell them how to add some sparkle to their boring Sunday services. Live and let live! There’s no reason to expend energy trying to suppress harmless differences between humans.

So here’s my modest proposal: if these backwater American states want to discriminate against trans people and deny them the healthcare they seek, Viagra-hungry congressmen should be forced to go flaccid as their Lord intended. It’s only natural, guys.

Within my mother’s lifetime, women’s choices and rights have eclipsed my grandmother’s wildest dreams. It’s difficult for a Millennial like me to imagine asking my husband to co-sign for a credit card, being excluded from serving on a jury, being denied admission to most Ivy League schools, or getting fired for being pregnant. Sexism (like racism) still endures in our institutions and culture, but the progress we’ve made over the past century is remarkable.

While women’s liberation has been largely successful on the surface, “feminist” remains a controversial word. The term is still ignored, spit on, dragged through the mud, pilloried, and burned at the stake. Part of the problem is a zero-sum mentality that assumes women gain additional rights at the expense of men and traditional families. This inaccurate framework posits that:

• Women are taking men’s jobs and educational opportunities.
• Women aren’t acting or dressing as women should.
• Women don’t want to take care of children or be nurturing.

Especially among older generations of men, the abrupt shift in women’s opportunities has been startling. It’s natural that they feel confused, threatened, or left behind because there has been less public discussion of how feminism benefits men specifically. 

Just as American women’s rights have expanded over the decades, there’s been a quieter, slower expansion of men’s choices and freedoms. The vision feels less realized than women’s recent advancements, perhaps because it has been more difficult to measure. We can compare unequal salaries or health insurance premiums—areas where men have enjoyed the upper hand—but explaining the intangible constraints of traditional masculinity has proved more challenging.

For example, compared to women, American men generally are expected to suppress their emotions. From an early age, they are trained to avoid crying or making themselves vulnerable. Many boys are not allowed to play with girls’ toys, wear dresses and makeup, or perform ballet. Some who break these rules are ridiculed or even sent to gay conversion therapy, which is still legal in roughly half of U.S. states.

These gendered restrictions stem from the American debasement of women and femininity. Misogyny is at the root of homophobia and transphobia. And if traits associated with women weren’t cheapened in our society, boys would feel more at liberty to express their emotions and engage in activities that appeal to them. The work of feminists is to foster a new respect for femininity and women in our culture and institutions, an objective that benefits everyone.

Feminism isn’t about acting like men—it’s about throwing off the shackles and expectations assigned to everyone at birth. It allows for a wider range of thoughts and behaviors, regardless of one’s sex. It’s about celebrating both the feminine and the masculine, letting individuals embrace the traits that feel most natural. It’s also about rethinking our leadership, economic system, and institutions to pay thought to feminine characteristics (collaboration, compromise, nurturing, compassion) rather than embracing almost exclusively masculine values (competitiveness, aggression, overconfidence).

When I talk about femininity and masculinity, I’m talking about traits and behaviors typically associated with these categories—qualities that are not necessarily determined by one’s biological sex. Traditional parents tend to inculcate masculine traits in boys and feminine traits in girls by treating them differently. There are also biological differences in people such as hormone levels (testosterone and estrogen) which can foster traits associated with masculinity or femininity.

In general, here are some qualities associated with masculinity that have been overemphasized in American culture:

• Dominance
• Exploitation of others
• Stoicism
• Overconfidence
• Aggression and violence
• Individualism

And here are some qualities associated with femininity that have been degraded and understated in American culture:

• Compassion 
• Cultivation of others
• Expressive communication
• Compromise
• Nurturing
• Collectivism

Americans have been living out of balance since the founding of our country. There has always been an assumed superiority of the masculine over the feminine. It shapes our language, systems of production, military build-up, and international relations. To be called a “woman” is construed as an insult to half of the population. Our deeply rooted misogyny has stifled our growth and humanity by elevating the masculine at the expense of the feminine. 

Some of the evidence for this imbalance include our country’s expensive military build-up (masculine) while our leaders refuse to properly fund education, healthcare, or parental leave (feminine). We enter into international agreements with presumed superiority (masculine) rather than equal footing, shared goals, and empathy (feminine). Many workplaces reward those who overconfidently advocate for themselves (masculine) rather than those who work diligently behind the scenes (feminine). Our country’s policies have privileged the interests of capitalism (masculine) over the protection of our environment (feminine). Our economy pays vast sums to people who work in extractive and exploitative industries (masculine) and pays pauper’s wages to those who educate and nurture our people (feminine).

Our country would be healthier and our people more prosperous if we could achieve a balance between the masculine and the feminine. Individuals would feel freer to express traits that feel most comfortable to them rather than succumbing to pressure to conform to society’s gendered spheres. 

To me, this is what it means to be a feminist: fighting to assign equal value to women and femininity that we ascribe to men and masculinity.

Nobody should be constrained by their sex or gender to behave in a certain way. Promoting respect for the feminine holds a better future for everyone.

On November 15^th, one week after Hillary gave her concession speech to the Flaming Ball of Id, I bought a plane ticket to attend the Million Women March in Washington DC. Sure, the presidential election served as a catalyst, but I had no idea that I’d be participating in the largest multinational protest in world history.

Let me qualify that: the media reported that the Women’s March might have been the largest US protest in history, but according to Wikipedia’s compendium of peaceful gatherings, it actually proved the largest multinational day of protest ever recorded. The better-attended events were typically funerals (e.g.,  Ayatollah, Khomeini, CN Annadurai), single-nation gatherings (e.g., the “Democracy and Martyrs’ Rally” in Istanbul, 2016), or celebrations in Southeast Asia welcoming the Pope, not to mention the incredible 5 million-person turnout for the Chicago Cubs World Series Parade. Therefore, the 4.7+ million people who marched across seven continents on January 21, 2017 produced the LARGEST MULTINATIONAL PROTEST IN WORLD HISTORY. I think that’s pretty damn exciting.

I was lucky enough to get a spot on top of a journalist’s black van at Independence and 4^th Street in DC , one block away from the main stage while more than a half a million people stood in the vicinity. My partner and I were even featured in the NY Times.

We heard speeches from Dr. Angela Davis, Gloria Steinem, Kamala Harris, Ashley Judd, Madonna, Michael Moore, Scarlett Johansson, and Alicia Keys, among many others. I met an Iranian-American doctor who had attended the Civil Rights March on Washington as a child in 1963, and she mentioned that the Women’s March that day was still the most impressive show of activism she’d seen in her 50+ years living in DC. Above all, I learned that I wasn’t alone in my sense that all wasn’t right with the world in its treatment of women.

To be clear, people across the globe participated in the Women’s March for varying reasons; it wasn’t simply a display of people’s disgust with Trump, although I understand that sentiment; I can’t convey the indignity of having my own country’s president-elect brag about sexual assault. Not talk, but fucking BRAG about sexual assault. Some people don’t understand what it feels like when your eye contact with a man is treated as a sexual invitation, when you’re physically smaller than those who try to take advantage of you, and when all of it is no fault of your own. For me, the Women’s March helped remedy a longstanding ache in my gut that told me things would be easier for me if I’d been born a man. Here’s how I figure:

Women have only very recently earned legal rights and professional privileges I now take for granted. Women couldn’t serve on juries until 1973, get credit cards in their name until 1974, keep their jobs while pregnant until 1987, or legally refuse to have sex with their spouses until 1993. These restrictions continue to have sociopolitical consequences for women’s progress far beyond the scope of this piece. Just as the impact of slavery didn’t end with the 13^th Amendment, we all know that that the legacy of injustice ripples outward affecting future generations long after a law has changed.

The Goldberg Paradigm holds that the exact same words coming out of a man’s mouth are perceived much differently coming from a woman. I’ve been frustrated throughout my life by this truism. A man’s assertiveness is my display of aggression; a man’s intelligence is my smugness; a man’s professional success is my anti-children stance; a man’s forgivable anger is my embarrassing emotional outburst; a man’s heroic, kind act is my default behavior as the “fairer sex.” And don’t get me started on my jokes which have fallen flat only to be repeated and adored when my ex-boyfriends cribbed my words and timing.

I should mention that I was raised by a badass, feminist, single mom. I can’t imagine a more fertile ground for this consciousness that helps me see the invaluable, under-appreciated role women play in society. Women have done more unpaid and unrecognized labor than any group in human history and in changing this disparity, there are excruciating growing pains. For every woman who’s grabbed by man with power, for every successful scientist who suffers sexism from her peers, and for all the moments in between: RESIST.

As for the carrot-hued catalyst of the Women’s March: all rational people see that the Trumpass is pointed in the wrong direction. In his first week in office, he’s implemented a racist ban on refugees and immigrants; pushed forward with the expensive and unnecessary Mexican Border Wall; and established fascist gag orders on several government agencies (e.g., EPA/NIH/NPS), to name the top three things that piss me off. (For the record, the “Mexico City Policy” withholding funding for women’s health organizations internationally is a ball that’s been volleyed between conservative and liberal administrations for the past 30 years. It’s nothing new.)

RESIST.

RESIST not only for women or blacks or Mexicans or immigrants or Muslims, but resist because it’s the right thing to do. We’re only as good as we let all people be, and an arrogant tyrant who cares for nobody but himself, his family, and small circle of wealthy cabinet appointees doesn’t have our best interests in mind.

RESIST.

RESIST by calling your senators and house representatives; RESIST by donating to Planned Parenthood; RESIST by correcting media-reporting errors through social media commentary; RESIST by shifting your money to a credit union away from the banks which stand to profit from the Goldman Sachs agenda; RESIST by enjoying peaceful protests and creating art; RESIST by teaching your daughters and sons that this administration is not normal and does not work in the interests of the American people.

RESIST.

I first saw ‘Don’t Diet…RIOT!’ scrawled on a bathroom stall at Laguna Beach High School. It stuck with me because at LBHS, there was immense pressure for girls to be thin, just like many schools today. This constant body-badgering is fed by fashion magazines, celebrity culture, and most recently, social media. In my day, at least my upward self-comparisons with the beautiful girls—almost all of them named Jessica—ended when I left school. For girls on Instagram these days, that’s not the case.

I can’t speak for other parts of the country, but for me, growing up in an environment with so many surgically remodeled mothers and proud size 0 classmates made me feel ugly and inadequate for most of my adolescence. I know my experience isn’t unique and I can’t deny the privileges I enjoyed at LBHS, but I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time fretting about my bad skin and love handles, counting calories, and gorging on products with artificial sweeteners. Most of all, I wish hadn’t bought so many stupid beauty products.

Beauty products. That 80 BILLION dollar industry in the US aimed squarely at making women feel unattractive and self-conscious. For the sake of our sanity, please help put some of these exploitative companies out of business and

STOP

BUYING

SO

MANY

BEAUTY

PRODUCTS

For the uninitiated, here are some of the modern things we women are taught we can’t live without:

• Temptu Air (i.e., at-home airbrush kit) – $195.00
• Shimmering Skin Perfector – $38.00
• Kanebo Sensai Collection, The Lipstick – $40.00
• Tom Ford Shade & Illuminate (for essential ‘contouring’ and ‘strobing’) – $80.00
• La Prairie Skin Caviar Concealer Foundation – $220.00
• Beautyblender Blotterazzi (i.e., sponges) – $20.00
• Christian Louboutin Beauté Nail Colour in Louboutin Red – $50.00
• Dr. Jart+ Water Replenishment Cotton Sheet Mask – $7.50 (what a steal!)
• RéVive Peau Magnifique les Yeux Youth Recruit for Eyes – $750.00

I’m all for the free market, but the existence of this overpriced garbage highlights the toxic conflation of a woman’s beauty with her self-worth. Let me unpack that: why else would we justify spending $220 on caviar foundation unless it felt validating and essential to our well-being? What else could it be for? Certainly not to attract other people. Call me a plebe, but I doubt the majority of people can tell the difference between a contoured/strobed and a non-contoured/non-strobed feature on a person’s face. (Exception: my dear friends in the drag world. Derek and Robert, you totally know the difference and probably would disagree with every word in this piece. And can you actually strobe a feature? Am I even using that right? Hmm.)

And this year, L’Oréal is releasing a ‘smart hairbrush’ with a companion app to tell us all of the L’Oréal products we need to buy to treat our brush-detected hair issues. As if our socially imposed self-loathing will be fixed by a $200 hairbrush.

In sum, the damn beauty-socio-industrial complex employs a two-pronged strategy:

1. Make women feel terrible about themselves.
2. Develop expensive creams, masques, cleansers, lotions, elixirs, toners, and other junk while promising women a release from feeling terrible about themselves.

Makeup can be fun, sure, but a survey of the average woman’s  shower or cosmetics case is a real wake-up call. I want to end with a picture of the few products I use—simple, natural things I’ve never seen advertised anywhere:

• Moisturizer: coconut oil
• Hair care: Savannah Bee shampoo and conditioner
• Makeup: Mineral Fusion foundation and mascara

I guess only time will tell if I end up looking like a leathery old crone at 40 because I didn’t throw down for that palmitoyl oligopeptide. Then again, the thousands of dollars I’ll spend instead on traveling & dining out & guitar lessons & sending boxes of dogshit to the White House once Trump assumes office will make me feel more alive & beautiful than anything I can buy at Sephora.

We’ve all had it happen to us, Ladies: we’re walking down the street when some portly ape who never graduated from high school commands you, “Smile! Why are you so serious, girl?” This is one of the more common indignities of being female (i.e., the presumption that we must sweetly acknowledge every rando’s call for attention). Here, the overarching expectation is that women should always be cheerful and positive, and it really chaps my lady-hide. The worst part is that women hardly ever get credit for being prosocial, wonderful people. That behavior is simply expected of us.

Slate Magazine and others have shown that a father simply holding a toddler in a supermarket is likely to be praised by onlookers: “Wow! What an amazing father you must be! Look at that, Jim! Golly gee, this man is holding a child!” By comparison, a woman can be managing her four children in the grocery store—she can be juggling cantaloupes and teaching her enthralled mini-crew about the importance of good nutrition in a catchy song-and-dance routine—and she’ll barely be meeting society’s expectations of motherhood. If she drops one cantaloupe or misses one step in her jingle, a chorus of onlooker disapproval will rise: “Jim, do you see that woman with all those children? No wonder she dropped that cantaloupe.” She has failed as a mother and as a woman.

When men act nurturing, compassionate or selfless, they’re heralded as heroes. These are the very same qualities which are ascribed to the female personality and for us, failing to embody those traits is socially unacceptable. We continually walk a razor’s edge of unwavering standards of propriety.  To be good, decent people is not exceptional or praiseworthy—it’s required—and anything less than philanthropic perfection is seen as a deficit.

Furthermore, if women are expected to have a “civilizing influence” over men, why is it that men typically get pegged as the more “rational sex?” This is a contradiction. Society simultaneously expects us to rein in the wild male impulses, but the men who are behaving badly are still assumed to be more analytical and better thinkers. Who’s running the PR on that horseshit? Why would men have the compliment of a reputation for good sense when women are often tasked with cleaning up their messes, literally and metaphorically?

I’ll take that point one step further: women are expected to be the understanding healers for all the male fuck-ups in their lives. Our husbands, sons, brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers and male friends are forgiven for any number of sociopathic displays—terrible moods, insensitivity, drunken tirades, piggishness, arrogance, and violence. Boys will be boys, right? Many a man has been forgiven for his hysteria or aggression when someone takes his parking spot. On the other hand, acting hysterically or aggressively got our great-grandmothers institutionalized. Because when women behave immodestly or violently, we’re pegged as insane; when men do it, it’s a mistake. In other words, people will assume antisocial behavior in a woman stems from some internal, unchangeable aspect of her constitution. For men, the same behavior is often seen as externally motivated or influenced by a situation.

This pattern reverses when a behavior is positive or related to competence. In a study titled “He’s Skilled, She’s Lucky,” researchers from Pennsylvania and Washington State Universities found that people are more likely to attribute a solid performance on an exam to a man’s internal characteristic—his competence—and for a woman, an impressive score might be written off as a stroke of good fortune.

These cumulative iniquities actually underscore my main problem: the indignity of domesticity. It’s difficult to feel that becoming a wife and a mother in this country is fair when all of the work that goes into those roles is unpaid and undervalued. I’m not arguing the work isn’t important; I’m arguing that being a mother is not as respected in American society as making money is. The lion’s share of the recognition and credit in the US goes to those who pursue creative, autonomous professions. I find it difficult to imagine sacrificing a majority of my time to activities such as washing clothes, shopping for groceries and changing diapers when these boring, time-consuming tasks aren’t esteemed. And while men today are assuming a larger role in domestic work than in the past, women still do the vast majority of the second shift: the childcare and the house chores. It feels personally devaluing to have to take all of this on with a smile. And this is in addition to the relatively underpaid careers we’re required to have because 1) single-earner families are a thing of the past, and 2) being “only” a housewife and/or mother is frowned upon in the 21^st century.

This sexism runs so deep it’s as if women have a polluting influence in the professional world. The NY Times (March 2016) reported that when women enter a career field traditionally dominated by men, the pay drops precipitously. NYU’s Dr. Paula England conducted a comprehensive study on pay across professions which had changed their gender composition between 1950 and 2000. She studied park counselors and ticket clerks—fields historically dominated by men—and found that as women entered these jobs, median hourly wages dropped between 43 and 57 percent. This phenomenon was also observed among designers (34 percent drop) and biologists (18 percent drop), and the reverse was found in computer programming. This is a field which used to be dominated by women and considered menial; as more men became programmers, however, pay and prestige increased substantially.

And the gender disparity doesn’t stop with careers, parenting or housework. It’s built into how our communication is perceived. When women speak with the same knowledge, competence or conviction as men, we’re often seen as shrill, cold, pushy, or aggressive. Sheryl Sandberg hits on it with her discussions of being seen as bossy, but more interesting to me is the Goldberg Paradigm. Studies around the world have yielded the same result: when identical words are uttered by a man and a woman, people consistently evaluate the man more favorably. The same prejudice affects minority groups as well, supporting the old idea that women and non-whites have to several times as good as their white male colleagues to be taken seriously.

We all can admit that a non-white or non-male Donald Trump would have been laughed out of business and politics a long time ago, but there he waddles: basking in the glory of his orange privilege, a torrent of bigoted garbage spewing from his greasy lips. Just try to imagine a woman, a Mexican or an African American getting away with saying, “My IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” Arrogance (like many of men’s bad behaviors) is more forgivable when it comes from a rich, white dude. Kind of like raping an unconscious girl or killing four people while driving drunk. Wealthy assholes including Brock Turner and Ethan Couch receive light sentences when they’d be locked away for life if their skin were brown. Affluenza—a diagnosis which conveniently distances the perpetrator of rape or murder from his responsibility—is an exclusively white male privilege.

Of course, there are things that women get away with which men can’t. For instance, I am at liberty to act ignorant or childlike whenever I want! Playing dumb or downplaying one’s real abilities is rarely acceptable behavior among men, but in women, these displays may even be considered attractive. So there’s that!!!

But there is one important physiological arena where women hold a significant advantage: sexual pleasure. As far too many unsatisfied women have learned, men’s capacity for orgasm is finite and they must rest their lumbering, hairy bodies after blowing their loads. Women don’t have this issue. As I heard it put poignantly during the Vagina Monologues: “Who needs a [man’s] handgun when you’ve got a [woman’s] semi-automatic?”

Women’s infinite capacity for sexual pleasure has always frightened men. With the exception of a few matrilineal and goddess-worshipping cultures, male-dominated religions and societies have mandated virginity in women throughout history. Christianity, Judaism, and Islam all praise women’s chastity and severely condemn the mere mention of women’s sexuality. And in dealing with the uncomfortable reality of how people are made, all of these faiths preach fairytales about immaculate conception and present them as fact. The truth is that Mary fucked Joseph. Buddha’s parents, Krishna’s parents, Mohammad’s parents…they all fucked. In sum, all of the mothers of people who have existed before the development of in vitro fertilization have fucked someone. In an amusing twist of irony, it has only been with the developments of science—not religion—that immaculate conception has actually become possible. And I digress…

So, to summarize the benefits accorded to each sex in 2016:

• White men hold most of the power and wealth in the world. They are seen as heroes for behaving in ways which are daily expected of women (e.g., taking care of children, being compassionate, etc). They get to be perceived as more intelligent, competent and rational. When they behave badly, it may be written off as a product of a situation or a mistake; when they behave well, it will likely be ascribed to their enduring, internal wonderfulness as people.
• Women have the capacity for more orgasms.

The good news is that all aspects of white male privilege are socially constructed and totally reversible! There will come a day—Friday, January 20, 2017, to be exact—when we’ll have a female president, the latest blow against white male supremacy. Sixty years ago, the Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to get her husband’s permission and signature to apply for a credit card. Now that’s a huge stride.

And Ladies: unlike the unraveling of the patriarchy, our greater capacity for orgasm is innate and will always be with us! Now if we could only get American sex ed classes to stop treating girls as naive damsels—targets of the “dangerous” male libido—rather than as people with their own pleasure to be had. Sigh. Lady steps, lady steps…

Photo credits: NY Times “The Bitch America Needs,” September 10, 2016; and NY Times “As Women Take Over a Male-Dominated Field, the Pay Drops,” March 18, 2016.