Category: Quips

Oh, San Francisco! You’re so worldly! Just look at all of your culture loving city-dwellers with their big, exotic vegetables poking out of their reusable shopping bags. I can smell the granola now. Is that New Age Music I’m hearing? And you discovered it before it became popular? For the love of Croutons.

Gray matter and a set of pendulous, brass spheres go a long way.

Auto-correct always cooks up some deliciously smartarded suggestions.

My friend’s toilet is broken. I suggested getting a litter box. Does anyone else have any bright ideas when he feels the post-coffee, unstoppable rebel force?

Indoor soccer shoes? Check. Tiny caffeinated beverage? Check. Zealously waxed faux hawk? Double-check. Folks, we got ourselves a “European”.

Getting older is great; rather than experimenting with my vices under peer pressure, I now genuinely enjoy them.

By definition, fathers get a bum rap. I mean they’re literally “mother-fuckers”.

A great band once mused, “All the lonely people, where do they all belong?” The answer is Cinnabon. Without question.

“Gays in Foreign Militaries 2010: A Global Primer”. I can already hear the laughter of future generations.

I hate to say it, but she had sex with you simply to gain another Twitter follower. There’s no other explanation.